A Leap for the Rest of My Life

For years I’ve stared at the edge of a bridge.
“What lies at the bottom for me?”
And when I took the leap, I found exactly what I was looking for.

Throughout middle school and high school I developed a habit of reaching my hand up high, as far as I could extend my arm, no matter where I was. To me, this represented my desire for a ceiling filled with stars.
While my friends and classmates dreamt of fame or fortune, wealth, stability. I dreamt of wandering. I dreamt of not knowing where I would sleep the next night, unsure of where my next dollar or meal would come from. Taking one step forward at a time without a destination or plan, and enjoying it.
I romanticized the idea of traveling as a vagabond. Hitchhiking accross Europe and Asia. Finding places and meeting people I would not have if I hadn’t got. Experiencing the world in ways most of my friend would never be able to. But at some point this changed

I lost myself.

I gave in to the grind. Submitted to the “rat race.” Working hard, doing the same tasks day in day out for a paycheck every week; so I could eat out or buy the latest gadgets. I bought into the idea of, “stability now, enjoy life later.” Buy a house, save up money, invest, start a family. At some point, after all of this is done, eventually, when I have enough money set aside, maybe in my 50’s or 60’s then, I could travel.

I spent years wasting away. With each passing day I got angrier, more unsatisfied, more empty. Without realizing it, I had given up on a dream I wanted to give everything to pursue. All to live in “reality.” Had something not changed, I imagine that I would have continued down this path and I would’ve lived a life I hated, filled with regret.

I appreciate those years “wasted.” I made a few good memories, met a few great people. Spoke with people who pushed my to follow this dream I would mention every now and then, but would never make steps towards. Spoke with people who insisted I was making the right decision. That the life I dreamt of was not a life worth living, or worth pursuing.
What I appreciat most, is that along the way I decided to develop myself. Thinking it was a means for me to better enjoy the life I was living. The ideas I surrounded myself with were all meant to set myself up for financial success. Ready myself and create the opportunities that will allow me to retire early and live my dream sooner. I became more confident and slowly started to push myself out of my comfort zone.

The entire time, my longing for travel, for the uncertainty of my life, grew. Every idea, every change, with every time I looked within and asked mysef. “What do you want?” A life of travel, with or without money, was my answer.

My vacation to New York was meant to just be a momentary getaway, a time to relax and enjoy a new city. See new sights, try different foods, change things up a little. But it became so much more. I was so much happier than I had been at home. It helped me to realign with my desires. It set my focus onto what I want most.

Leading up to the trip, I was scared. I spent the days before gagging late at night, the thought of going to New York on my own scared me. The stress was overwhelming, I almost didn’t go. But having went, having overcome my fear of being on my own in a new place. I realized that the only thing really holding me back from my travels, was fear. Fear of the same uncertainty I once craved. Fear fed by other’s fear. Other people’s preconceived and uninformed ideas of places they had never been to; were preventing me from going after a dream I’ve held for so long.

New York, for me, was a leap off that bridge I walk past every day, every night, heading to or coming back from work. That bridge represents the path I was expected to take. A path leading to a place of stagnation I hate, and coming back to a place I can hardly call home. New York was the start of a path with no end in sight, no destination.

A leap that leads to nothing and nowhere, and that’s exactly what I was looking for.